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How to Survive a Dragon Attack

Welcome to Dragon Week, a celebration of all things Dragon!

Even as we celebrate dragons, we know encountering them in the wild can be dangerous!
You have to ask yourself the important questions: Am I in a dragon’s territory? Do I have any wizarding or archery skills? Am I crunchy and good with ketchup?

So we chatted with the experts. People who have spent their whole lives reading about dragons and talking the talk. That’s right. We asked ourselves.

Here’s our expert advice on surviving.

Caro Perny, Publicity Manager, Tor Books and Tor.com Publishing:
Cloaks.
Just… Cloaks.
If you must have elaboration, though, I think cloaks are ideal.
1. they are a disguise; you can flare it behind you and pretend it’s wings, to make the dragon believe you are a wayward spawn.
2. Cloaks often have magical, protective properties. Surely, those would be useful against a dragon.
3. If all else fails, and you’re definitely gonna die, you may as well do it with some style. And there is nothing more stylish than a cloak.

Capes are also acceptable.

Renata, Digital Marketing Manager, Tor Books:
Make yourself appear larger. Then play dead.

That dragon will think “Whoa, something over there killed that surprisingly large apex predator! I should avoid that area.”

I give the same advice for bears.

Chris Morgan, Associate Editor, Tor Books:
Dress the group bard up in a raw meat jacket and send them in to “negotiate”.

Christine Foltzer, Associate Art Director, Tor.com Publishing:
I think it’s to hide in a small place it can’t get in and hope it goes away!

Either that or befriend it and ride it to freedom.

Emily Hughes, Senior Marketing Manager, Tor Books:
Use a series of mirrors to lure the dragon to a predetermined defensible position, preferably against a cliff face, where you have set up a series of nets filled with soil, which, as we all know, extinguishes fire. Once the dragon is in position, pull the ropes to release the soil, thereby trapping the dragon underneath and preventing it from breathing fire.
Voilá.

Rebecca Yeager, Ad/Promo Manager, Tor Books:
Roll to seduce?

Mordicai Knode, Marketing Manager, Tor.com Publishing:
Dragons are mostly just reflections of the Seven Deadly Sins, so you can always just try being a virtuous maiden.

Christina Orlando, Publicity Coordinator, Tor.com:
Research first. learn about dragon communities, their habitats, their biology and anatomy. Knowing what you’re getting into is important. plus, dragon history and sociology is fascinating.

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Julia Bergen, Associate Ad/Promo Manager, Tor Books:
Try to outsmart it! You’re not going to be able to overpower it, but it might not be that clever. Appeal to its vanity, or maybe its greed. At least try to distract it long enough to run away.

 

See, we are great at advice. You definitely won’t die if you do these things. How would you survive an encounter with a dragon? Sound off in the comments!

 

10 thoughts on “How to Survive a Dragon Attack

  1. One of the best ways is to carry a small portable pond with you, nothing too massive. About 50000 gallons should do the trick.
    Then you dive into it when the dragon comes and it should boil off first under the dragonfire, exhausting the dragon’s first sortie. Then when it is taking a breath before flaming again, you refill it from the small portable lake you’re carrying in your other bag of holding.

  2. Dragons only respect strength. So knock them down and put your foot on their throat. After a few moments, they’ll recognize you superior strength and quietly concede the field to you. Or, as the old joke goes, always carry a few round objects you can scatter at their feet. When they stoop to pick them up, kick ’em in the balls and run.

    Contraindications: Never climb a tree. Dragons climb poorly, but trees are flammable. (Duh! Think “marshmallow on a stick + campfire” if the implications aren’t clear.) Avoid efforts at seduction. It’s debatable whether succeeding will be more or less painful than failing, but in neither case will it end well. (In this context, gentlemen, ladies, and nonbinary beings: sometimes size really is important.) Cloaks are generally not helpful, unless they’re the fireproof kind forest fire fighters carry in case a fire decides to roll over them. Don’t try this trick at home, kids, at least not with firefighter supervision. Insert standard legal disclaimer here.

  3. It is not generally known, but dragons do love limericks, particularly if they’re delivered with panache. Try to avoid any limericks by Edward Lear – they consider his repetitive last line to be a bit of a cheat. If you can memorize the works of Spider Robinson, it will serve you in good stead. Bawdy limericks are faves!

  4. Provide them with gold. Lots of gold. Bribe your Merlin to produce all that gold by promising him a piece of the dragon to study.
    Oh, and run like hell (from both the dragon and your Merlin!)

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